Wednesday

On this stormy poopstain of a day, and in honor of the retirement of her majesty, Oprah, I would like to share with you, a story. This is a story of hope, courage, and ultimately failure.

While employed at a delicious, but not so authentic Italian restaurant, a new manager came along one fateful day. He was coming from a restaurant near Harpo Studios, Oprah's studio. It was here that he befriended Oprah staffers as they came in for lunch and because of this, was able to get several members of his new staff tickets to see this beloved woman.

Before we could say Hardees, Desmond, Jody, and I were waiting in line with some of the Midwest's finest. I just new we were going to get some pretty decent air time and then we would have to take it from there. If agents wanted to call, so be it. After an hour or so of waiting in the studio, we saw THE big head making her appearance while Desmond screamed like a little girl. Everything happened so fast when suddenly, Oprah was standing next to me taping the beginning of the show by talking to the people across the aisle from me. We had been told to sit down, so I kept a smile plastered on my face as I stared at Oprah's butt. I realized I should check the monitors to make sure I was portraying myself accurately and that's when I saw it. OPRAH'S BUTT WAS COVERING MY FACE AND ENTIRE BODY! Millions of people across the world were not going to be given the gift of my face! What a bunch of crap!

She didn't even give out any gifts.....except for lingering visions of her wedgie of course.