Blocked

It's happened. I have blogger's block. You know what this means, I'm stealing from other bloggers for the time being. Don't worry, I have her permission and in the meantime, I'm watching 'The Voice' for inspiration. I'm rooting for the black dude on Adam Levine's team. Okay, I just googled it and his name is Javier Colon. That's unfortunate. *Update: I just googled Javier again and he is TOTALLY NOT black! Sorry. He is Domenican and Puerto Rican. Domincan + Puerto Rican = dark skinned!

The blog I have chosen to steal from is one of my faves, Peppermint Bliss. I don't just steal from anyone, this girl is fuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnyyyyyyy. I totally thought I'd come back to Chicago for the summer, "run" into her in Lincoln Park (I have an idea of where she lives based on her pictures), and we'd be besties for life. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. She's just up and moving to Texas and I do NOT appreciate that. Who am I suppose to hang out with all summer, Derek? No way. Tess? Yeah right. She'll be a newlywed soon. That leaves me with the dog. I suppose if I can't have Peppermint, Diego is the next best. Here you go, hope you like.

"Lies that Chelsea Handler told me…

Let me start this off by saying I am ridiculous person.

I know it, my husband knows it, and I am sure that if any of you have been reading this for any period of time you have at the very least begun to suspect it.

I am sure sometimes it comes off as out of touch, but I prefer to look at my way of thinking as magical. Like when you are little and your parents tell you that you can do anything, like I took that a little far in my minds eye and sometimes really believe the delusions in my head are going to happen.

Like two years ago when I went to 4 Britney Spears shows on her circus tour dressed like this:

And this:

And never for one second doubted that one of her people would see me and think, “Britney has to see this!” and whisk me backstage. And I was genuinely downtrodden when that didn’t happen. Like I for real was surprised and disappointed. And I know that sounds really entitled. And I am sure this quirk I am trying to make sound endearing is actually an offshoot of some horrible brat only child flaw, but I also think that there is a possibility that this way of thinking could be really a good thing. Like say if someone had larger aspirations than meeting Britney Spears and approached achieving their goals with the same kind of optimism and earnest? I think that would be a really wonderful thing to behold. And at times when I put my mind to important things it does sort of feel like I am willing them into being, and that feels amazing.

Last night was one of those times.

Except not with something important.

Last night I went to go see Chelsea Handler with my good friend Read. When we got there we realized that somehow we had procured for ourselves tickets that were basically on the stage. Like there were the normal front row seats of the theatre, and then there were 4 rows of folding chairs set up with the closest row ending inches from the stage and that is where our seats were.

Me sitting in my seat with my feet on the stage.

I am looking VERY pregnant these days and the first thing Read said when we sat down is, “Chelsea is totally going to call you out”. And I blushed and laughed like I hadn’t already thought the same thing. And like I hadn’t tweeted Chelsea to give her a friendly heads up that we were going to be there. Like in case she reads her tweets before going on stage, she might want to know that.

So first Brad Wollack comes out and does his bit and was great, I really like when comedians interact with the audience and can carry an on-the-spot joke through and keep connecting it to different parts of their set. It’s smart. It’s good. Next Heather MacDonald came out and was probably the goofiest human I have ever stared directly up towards and was hilarious. Then Josh Wolf came out and talked about going #2 in his pants on his first date with his wife, so obviously that was a winner. And then it was time for Chelsea.

She comes out and greats Chicago and goes “You guys are all so cute, you’re a good looking city!” and starts scanning the audience and then looks directly at me and goes, “Oh my GOD. Are you pregnant? I hope so.” And I said yes, immediately feeling nervous about my obviously significant powers over the universe to wish my dreams into reality.

And she goes, “How pregnant??” My head starts spinning like how can I succinctly answer this question, and also indicate to her that we are equals and that I would be a good candidate for best friendship. “7 months”

And she goes, “Do you know who the father is?? Are you in a relationship with him??” And I like a total dbag was like “Yeah I think I have a hunch who he is” like ohhh the cleverness of me. I have a “Hunch”. What a TOOL. Ugh I am just the worst sometimes.

Anyway. My point is that basically Chelsea Handler opened her show in Chicago with me last night, just like I had willed it. So I am thinking my best friendship with Britney Spears is really only a matter of time now. Hopefully I won’t act like such a jackass when that happens."